2014 Soul-Searching and Reflections

2014 Soul-Searching and Reflections

It seems I'm getting around to writing on this blog about 1x a year now.  It's a personal blog and I did share a lot of personal stuff on it.  No one really read it, I know that because of the stats that Google keeps, but I dunno - I guess I kinda got bored too.  I think I annoyed myself with all the babbling I was doing and not really any action taking.

But, I think I'd like to go ahead and write a post this January 2015 to recap my year and what I'm hopeful for in 2015, plus share my word.
Here are my other words in the past:
2014:Decide
2012:FORGIVENESS
2009:Honesty
2007:SIMPLIFY 
2006:RESONATE

In 2014 I chose my word for the year, Decide.  This is what I wrote about it:

For going on, uh I don't know, 15 years I've been going through a "what do I wanna be when I grow up stage" and because I never knew the answer, I would just do things at random to see if I like them and if I do, ask myself if I want to do them for a super long time.  But choices and choices and more choices later, nothing stuck like I thought it would.  One major thing, school.  The desire has always been to go to school to learn about things that are bigger than myself so that I can expand and grow and make sense of my life.  But the pressure of "getting a job to pay the bills" has always plagued me.  I'm not a sell out, but I also couldn't be honest with myself or others who were trying to decide for me.  Oh, then there's that whole needing validation & approval from others thingy.

Well I did decide.  I made a move and went back to school to do something I have always wanted to try - hairdressing school.  Yup, I'm in Cosmetology school at my local community college, and I'm having a pretty good time there too :)  I tried the beauty thing years ago when we were living in Palm Coast, but I chickened out and just went for the Anaesthetic course, which I loved but ultimately didn’t follow through on once I had my license.

I also decided that I wasn't a good photography business owner and dropped it like it was hotttt. My husband and I decided we were going to stay in NC for as long as possible as we have a tendency to get up and go when the going looks like it's going to be too tough and we just don't put up with that shite.  And we decided to buy a house, and we did.  It was even on my goal list and the only goal I achieved that resonated the most with my CDFs.

My word for 2015, Release.  We'll get to that in a minute.

My Core Desired Feelings expanded and I was able to flourish through them.  They still don't all feel 100% mine, but I'm not committed to keeping them as there are some that I want to feel in the moment, and moment however can last as long as I want it to.  Here were my 2014 Core Desired Feelings:

Freedom . Communion . Divine Feminine . Soul-Full . Expansive

Here are my 2015 Core Desired Feelings:

Freedom . Communion . Divine Feminine . Soul-Full . Grow

The only one that changed was Grow from Expansive.  Expansive felt weird and I use the word Grow a lot. Even when I wrote what my soulful intentions were, they were about growing:

Soulful Intentions & Goals

This is THE YEAR OF GROWTH.

I intend to grow, to learn, to experience, to become expansive, to receive and to give, to have heart and to be brave while doing so. Increase my cash and create positive cash flow.

But that last line, "Increase my cash and create positive cash flow" felt icky.  I like money, but instead this year I want to build and grow a positive symbiotic relationship with money.  I think we live in harmony, but sometimes I'm self-conscious about our relationship and I we need to be clear on our expectations of one another.  The truth is that we need each other to flourish, and in order for each of us to benefit there needs to be mutual respect and balance.

Last year I also has some "Dreams to build upon" :

A home or home-place for my family where chickens run wild, vegetables grow deep and rich, flowers bloom and invite nature to play with them, and create lots more yummy memories.  To continue to expand my courage.  Pursue Art Selfishly. Pursue Degrees in Art history. Learn French, travel to France, and speak nothing but French. Downsize my waistline. Create a gorgeous conference with heart and soul.

What I realized though was that I have a lot of misguided expectations on what those dreams looked like and how to turn them into reality. I did purchase a house with my family, it was closest to my heart and my soul felt like it needed it the most.  But the rest, I think I wish I wanted more than I actually want.  I don't know why I want those things.  I love art, but it takes a lot of work and brain power for me to focus on it.  I want to learn French so that I can speak to other French people, but I don't really know any Frenchies, and getting that Art History degree is still on my list, but its growing on me like moss - I'm still stuck in this have to pay my mortgage degree kick.  Creating a gorgeous conference with heart and soul - YAS I still want this.  But I want it to be right.  I want the right tone, the right people, the right message, the right stuff.  I want the process to be just as soul-full as the conference itself, I want the people to be soul-full and the message to be soul-full.

2014 The Goddesses //

Danielle Laporte, Anahata Katkin, Teesha Moore, Denise Pasquinelli, my daughter Hana, my Husband Shanee (a god), Aria & Jul-Mar, my circle of gorgeous friends (some gods).

Most of these women are still my Goddesses, however in 2015 I'm adding a few more.  Hilary Rain, Lush Theide, Charmaine Olivia, and myself. And I reserve the right to add more or dispense of a few as I see fit.

The Altar 2014 vs.

I will admit, this idea is new to me.  I have studied the ideology behind Pagan and Orthodox Christian Altars, even Buddhist altars - but the thought of creating a manifesting altar puzzled me.

2015 altar
Last year I wanted an altar, but wasn't committed to it.  I didn't really understand how it would fit into my life.  But I found myself without one when I wanted to meditate or just make a space for my mind to quiet and couldn't find one.  This new home of ours is being adjusted to fit us and I haven't quite found my fit.  I spend a lot of time in the kitchen and living room and have neglected my huge bedroom.  But, it did come to me earlier today what I can do to build this altar and how to make it feel like we belonged to each other.

Earlier I shared my word for 2015, Release.

It just came to me when I was thinking about what I really wanted to do this year.  What I really needed to do.  Release preconceived notions and expectations that things have to be what they are, that I have to put people in my life who don't fit because we shared a matched moment, releasing anger, frustration, and pain and also releasing love like a boomerang that will come back to me.  Releasing my grip on the things that I think I need or have control over.  Release is sort of a mantra word that I want to use when I'm in a situation I don't want to be in.  Telling me it's ok to move out of this space, it's ok to go let go, it's ok to look moments in the eye and give it some sugar.  Its ok to release doubt and anxiety and receive abundance of good yummy stuff.

Things that happened in the last few months of 2014 were monumental.  I have a thing about odd numbers, I was 37 for 342 days last year and I felt like I was 100 but the day I turned 38 (12/21) was magical.  I love being 38.  We bought a house.  That was something that we've been wanting to do since we moved to NC, but everyone told us no until someone told us yes - because I didn't stop asking or reaching for what I wanted.  I practiced kindness more and found my heart grew.  I let go of things I held on to for the wrong reasons and found peace.

I haven't posted on this blog in almost a year.  I forget about it sometimes because I get caught up in other stuff, but I miss her.  I miss our long talks and I hope to keep coming back more and more.