One Little Word 2014: Decide

To get a little bit of backstory behind my One Little Word, please read this post.

In my previous post, I announced that my OLW for 2014 was Decide.

I'm so happy with this word.  And I'm hoping that this word will be the one that will be the sledgehammer that breaks down the wall of resistance.

Things are SO MUCH EASIER when we are younger.  Ok, that's not entirely true.  For me, it seemed I was able to make quick courageous decisions in an instant.  Did I want to do this or not, boom decision.  Did I want to live here or not, boom decision.

There are a lot of other forces that come into play when I make a decision now.  In fact, it's been that way for going on 5 years.  But one of the biggest decisions I haven't been able to make in my life becuase, well, everyone has an opinion about this is college.

I have something like 100 credits.  Some good some bad grades tucked in there and all of them put together make NO DEGREE.  I have spent countless hours reading and gathering information in order to make a conscientious decision about the path I should take.  And, I never follow through.

I'm sure at some point the reasoning for this came to me, but I'll be honest - I've known the reason for a very long time and just never allowed myself to stand up and DECIDE, regardless of everyone else's opinion.  It's my life and I've got to live with the consequences good and bad.

Ultimately though, it's no one else's decision but mine as well.  And I can either be happy with it or I can regret it.  And right now, I'm regretting it more.  Regret is a hard pill NOT to swallow when you are on the outside of a world you'd like to be part of.

Baby steps are in order though, small decisions that I'm struggling with need to be made.  For instance, yoga.  I have been wanting to practice Kundalini Yoga for 3 years.  I've done it exactly 2 times.  BUT, it is an AMAZING work out.  It's not a workout for those who are trying to shed pounds and I have quite a few to shed.  It's more of a mind, body, spirit workout.  The problem is, conditions have to be perfect in order for me to practice this form of yoga.

Perfect conditions do not make great brownies.  Great brownies are just made.

So, DECIDE.

Interested in learning more about One Little Word?  Head over to Ali's blog and learn about it.

Want to see previous One Little Word posts?
2006 OLW
2007 OLW
2009 OLW
2012 OLW

One Little Word 2014

For the last few years, I've been participating in Ali Edwards' One Little Word project.

Last year it was Courageous.  And I was.  Many people do not know this about me, but I am a HUGE introvert.  I'm pretty shy, until you get to know me then you can't shut me up.  And while I would prefer to be at home, snuggled under a yummy warm blanket with a book and cuppa tea, I also love to be with my friends drinking wine or sharing in an activity.

But put me in a room full of people who I know nothing about, and I become a wallflower.  Again, very much the opposite of what people see me as.  People literally do a double take when I tell them that or they see that I'm super quiet at a social engagement.

In fact, over New Years' we were invited to a friends house for a NYE party.  It was a multicultural smorgasboard and I loved it, but I was also hiding in the back and not really mingling.  I only came alive in a small group of people that I found a common interest in.  But when someone else joined our little group, zip - I shut right up.

However, let me make something clear.  I'm not trying to overcome my shyness or introverted status. I'm happy with that, but I would like to continue to extend my circle of friends because I love meeting new people and learning about them because everyone has a wonderful story to tell.

At any rate, as I work through the year with my One Little Word, I always bring it with me to the next year and just make it a more micropart of me.  It takes a lot for me to be in a crowd of people, but it also takes me a lot to say things that I truly believe.  Sometimes I sway my vote toward the popular thought or theory because I am afraid that I will do or say something that will get me into trouble.  Yea, I need some serious therapy.  But Courageous has been able to do that for me last year and I've been able to walk away cleanly from people who were not a good fit for me and open up to some who are.

So on to the Pièce de résistance!

My One Little Word for 2014 is.....

Decide

See you at part two of this post where I talk about my hopes for my 2014 OLW.

Want to see previous One Little Word posts?
2006 OLW
2007 OLW
2009 OLW
2012 OLW

Aiden Williams Come Home

UPDATE! AIDEN WILLIAMS HAS BEEN FOUND!
Aiden Williams, 15, has run away from home.  He is from the Alamance County area of North Carolina.

I've been struggling with whether or not to write a blog post about what's going on at my daughter's school, but I guess I'd like to think that if it were my daughter I would want everyone to "look" or post signs up.

This is what I know about Aiden.  He's 15 and is a Sophmore at the High School my daughter attends.  In fact my daughter was friends with Aiden.  She thought they were pretty close, so it's a mystery as to why Aiden would run away.

Another blog post by a woman who is friends with Aidens' mom, suggested that he might be meeting someone in South Carolina.  Her post is here.

I'll be honest, I'm scared for Aiden and worried about his mother.  I think I would literally be tearing my hair out with anxiety and worry if my daughter vanished one day.  It is a horrible feeling to know that something you love more than life itself is gone, without a warning or so much as a goodbye.

My daughter, Hana is pretty worried too.  I'm scared that it is affecting her because she tends to carry her friends emotional well being on her own shoulders.

I'm scared for Aiden because it is COLD out.  It's going to snow today, and as most mother's worry about their children, is he going to be safe?

I remember a few people that I knew from my youth that ran away or went missing.  The ones who ran away were typically found in 24 hours, hiding out at friends' not wanting to go home for fear of something their parents wouldn't approve of.  The missing child, never returned and became a tragic and heartbreaking story.

I guess in my mind, the only reason why anyone should run away is if they are being physically abused.  Then GET OUT and GET OUT QUICK.  So this is alarming and scary.

Aiden, call your mother or a family member and come home.  It's easy.  No matter the reason, people who love you the most want NOTHING more than to see your face and hug you.  Everyone would like to see your face again.

 If you have any information please contact the Alamance County Sheriff's Department at 336-570-6300.   Aiden, you can call them too.

#FINDAIDEN

Desire Mapping, How it's going down.

Book Club Participant Question:

     " Once I've got my Core Desired Feelings, how do I apply them to my life?"

This is what I said, hopefully I will remember it all.

" Let's say you have a goal you want to achieve like open an agile learning center.  You take your CDF's and you map your way to your goal with those feelings in mind.  For example, you need funding.  How you go about your quest for funds should be centered around a good feeling, your CDF's are the leads to the good feeling.  So the feeling good doesn't have to just come once the goal is attained, it should be in your pack as you venture on your journey as well."

"But there is also something about living our daily lives that should be focused on our desires.  Sure, there are aspects of our lives that we abhor doing; kitchen cleaning, working the job that pays the bills, exercise, car maintenance, family members, etc. But to know your CDF's and to make sure that you are striving for them in everything that you do will help get you through the shit.  This part can be tricky.  I believe it takes practice.  It should be come a ritual.  To be able to cipher the desires from the muck, and touch that shit with a Midas touch, takes work."

So like I said in my previous posting, you can't just jump in and expect that it will be like, BOOM DONE!  It takes work work work.  I hate work.  But I also hate the way I feel sometimes.  To be able to see the shit and change my perspective about it would be wonderful.

Here's a pic of my notes last night as we were talking round in a circle about feelings.

funnily enough, one of our members, A., talked about how she wanted to feel stable, and when she started talking about the last time she felt that way she mentioned changing schools to be closer to home and friends, I said it sounds like maybe you want to be more grounded.  OOOOooooohhhh we all said and then our other member C. said "or rooted".  OOOOOOOOOoooooooooh, shit just got real.

What an amazing word and way to feel.  How can one truly feel rooted?  I mean the perception is ours to do with it what we want.  But I'd like to think about it like a tree.  To be organically rooted.  A tree grows and so grows it's roots.  but a trees roots don't grow down, they grow out.  Sometimes rising to the surface.  It's pretty deep yo.

During our sesh, we talked about our words - it was on the agenda.  It was an opportunity in that moment to become vulnerable.  A lot of words were shared, some felt that they couldn't let go of some of their 9 words, I am happy to let go of one of them.

Here are my Core Desired Feelings:

Communion

Divine Feminine

Freedom

Soul-Full

Generous*

*(this is the one that I am chucking) Why you ask?  Because it doesn't feel soul-full to me.  I feel like I'm, to coin a phrase that A. said, Faking It to Make It.  So why did I pick that word in the first place?

Ok, here's why.

At some point in my life, someone influential to me (could be a parent???) said that poor and homeless people didn't deserve charity because they would just spend it on booze or other shite.  If they couldn't even be bothered to get a job, get off the crack or the booze, or stop havin so many babies - then they didn't deserve charity.  It stuck with me.  But I don't believe it.  

Let me repeat that.  I don't believe what they are saying.  And yet, I can't give money to the guy on the corner because I'm afraid that he's going to use it to shoot up with.  Mother Teresa said this, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."  Meh.  This hurts my soul to the core!  

Again, something that came up last night, I want to be free from passing judgement on others because I do not love myself.  YUCK!  Mother Teresa is saying that if I judge someone, including myself, I cannot love them/myself.  I think it is so much easier to just be in love with me so that I can't see any room for improvement in others.  What does that practice look like?

Practice:

repeated exercise in or performance of an activity or skill so as to acquire or maintain proficiency in it.

"it must have taken a lot of practice to become so fluent"

REPEATED EXERCISE IN OR PERFORMANCE OF AN ACTIVITY...

So it's not about becoming proficient in something, it's about the journey to becoming something.  If I want to be accepting, then I must practice acceptance.  If I want to be compassionate, then I must practice compassion.  If I want to be forgiven, then I must practice forgiveness.

Heh.  Karma.

Core Desired Feelings & Mapping Our Desires

Tonight is my Desire Map Book Club Week #2, but before I get into that, let's first talk about what the heck a Desire Map is and why we have a book club for it?

The desire map is a book, a plan, and a way of life.  The author, Danielle Laporte, explains it like this:

What if, first, we got clear on how we actually wanted to feel in our life, and then we laid out our intentions? What if your most desired feelings consciously informed how you plan your day, your year, your career, your holidays — your life?

But how?  How do we get clear on those feelings, then put some intentions behind them, and then soar?  How?

Enter the Desire Map Book.  It's part guide & part workbook.

!Warning!
The Desire Map process isn't something you can jump in and then find you've sorted your life out.  It's work people, hard soul-engaging work.  And it has made me take a hard look at my life.  I'm thinking about things I refused to think about before, but it's been expanding.

If you want to give it a try, you can purchase the book here - http://www.daniellelaporte.com/shop/desire-map-softcover-book-bonus/.

Otherwise I'll be posting my journey, and you can tag along!

It's been a little over 3 years...

November 2010 was my last posting month.  So Crazy!

A lot has happened and changed since then, but I'm glad to be coming back to one of my very first blogs.

I started a few businesses, created other blogs on other platforms, even created blogs on my own hosted platforms.  It's been wild and crazy ride.  But I'm happy to be back.

This blog, which originally started as GirlHysterical and evolved into Love Made Me This Way, feels like a comfy quilt.   I've had it for a while, neglected it a bit, but I've been missing it and so now I'd like to return and snuggle with it again.

I think it would be fun to do a little updating, just to keep it on record.

• I turned 37 12/21/13
• My daughter is 15 1/2
• We moved from Florida, where I have spent almost my entire lift to a little village town in North Carolina.
• I was laid off from my space job, but am happily returning back to school to finish my degree.
• My Husband is still the man of my dreams and my best friend.
• H. attends, S. teaches, at this pretty awesome small charter school in NC.
• My grandparents died last year, almost back to back - and I will be reflecting here on the blog at some point.
• I'm meeting wonderful friends.
• Have decided to limit my Social Media to one arena, which happens to be Pinterest at the moment.
• Am returning to art journalling and all things creative.
• Am leaving the world of professional photography to explore my creative and artistic side more.
• We bought a house, lost it, and now we live in an amazing loft apartment (I've actually dreamt about living in one when I was younger).

Hmmm... doesn't seem like much.  But then again, when you are living it, it's hard to remember everything!

Things I hope to accomplish and things I wish to stay away from.

• I don't want this blog to turn into a business, but I would like to use my affiliate accounts if I can.
• I want to make sure to keep this blog personal and yet private at the same time.  Kinda sounds like an oxymoron.
• I also would like to make sure to post my journey through rediscovering my artistic side and that means posting things that I've made.

One Little Word 2012

I turned 35 fourteen days ago.  Just like every birthday, I never feel like I am any older until about halfway through the year.  I didn’t realize I was 34 until January last year, just after I had turned 34.  2011 wasn’t exactly a great year for us, but I can say it wasn’t the worst year of my life - I haven’t had one of those yet and I’m sure that we are better off than a lot of other people, so I feel happy about being about to hold my head above water - even my shoulders and probably am treading water about waist high right now.  And that is all fine.

2012 will be a better year.

Things that happened in 2011:

• Shanee turned 37, I turned 35, Hana became a teenager at 13!
• Hana started public school again after being homeschooled for a year.  Which to my surprise, landed her in honors classes.  I have to admit I didn’t think I was doing all I could for her.
• I was laid off, voluntarily, from my job April 2011 and moped around the house in my pj’s for a long time.
• I had a series of mental breakdowns, probably related to the lay-off ( I didn’t really think it would hit me so hard)
• Over the summer Shanee had to see a Cardiologist for a blip on his EKG.  That wasn’t fun.  It’s called a Myachardial Ischemia.  He had a series of tests done, including a radioactive stress test and they couldn’t find a thing.  We went vegetarian and his cholesterol and blood sugar numbers went WAY down!  Yay!  He has to see the cardiologist again in May for another series of tests, but I am hoping and praying that we are better and at the least the same, not worse.
• Shanee and I both lost weight.  I lost 50 lbs!  Which had been my goal for 6 months, to lose 50.  And Shanee lost 10!  We are both very happy about that!
• Hana has read almost all the Warriors series of books and some Japanese Manga books.  She is doing really well in her Honors classes and we are very proud of her!
• Hana played rec soccer after taking off a year and was asked to join a comp soccer team, which of course made us BEAM because she was ASKED TO PLAY.  That meant a lot to her too.
• I got my license as an esthetician in the state of Florida.  I am now considering being a hair dresser, I mean you only live once and I’ve always wanted to do it!
• We had considered moving to Charlotte, NC.  But have decided (in 2012) that we really didn’t give our area a good enough chance, Shanee has a great job here and will probably be rehired next year, and Hana just started to make friends - we think we’re going to work harder at becoming more involved in the community.
• Since going veg I have learned to cook more things that I ever had when we ate meat, I plan on learning even more and documenting along the way in 2012.
• We had to give up our beloved cats, Scar and Hobbes.  It was more horrible for Hana than it was for Shanee and I.  Only because we fully understood the reasons were financial and not emotional.  We were/are emotional.  We loved those cats, loved them.  But they were too much for us, we are running on financial fumes at this point and they were becoming a burden.  It also didn’t help that they were peeing on our furniture and tearing it up and possibly peeing other places in the house.  So it wasn’t JUST that we couldn’t afford to keep feeding them, it was we couldn’t afford to continue to replace the things they kept ruining.  We eventually had to put them outside, but we knew that was really not healthy for them or us.  They needed a family that would take them in and have the attention and finances they deserved.  At any rate, I am on the verge of tears right now but I know we did the right thing and I know they are in a better place.  We took them to the Humane Society and donated a hefty chunk to them as well - partly Christmas monies from family, but enough so that we could help support the charity that would support our cats and find them new homes.

But like I said, 2012 is going to be a better year.  It’s a Myan year!  Ha!  I’m 35 this year, Shanee will be 38 and Hana will eventually be 14, urgh!  I have plans this year to become a better … overall.  The … stands for a blank that I can fill in when I need.  My first … is to become a better documentor.  I need to document our lives more, and so  I am initiating a Weekly Project Life goal.  I’ve followed Ali Edwards for years and admired her creative, organized, and entrepreneurship style!  This year I am going to try my hand at the first two.

I’m contemplating taking an online class that might help spur my creativity.  It’s called One Little Word and is hosted by Ali Edwards.  I’ve admired Ali for taking intiative in life and creating her life the way she wants it.  She has a lot of readers and commenters on her site.  She asked for words that people want to be their word for the year.  My word is FORGIVENESS.

I don’t need to forgive anyone, well anyone other than myself.  I put a lot of pressure on myself.  This keeps me from doing anything!  If I’m not 100% perfect at it, I won’t even try it!  Isn’t that sad?  So, forgiveness is something I’m trying to learn.  I need to forgive myself for being a perfectionist and do it anyway.  Nike has a great mantra, Just Do It.  That is my Mantra for the year.  Just Do It.  I’ve become closeted by self-doubt and low self-esteem.  I always start the year wanting to do more and be better, but it’s hard and I have these grandious visions of a perfect Martha life and I can’t really be expected to be anything more than who I am RIGHT NOW.  Slow and steady.  Baby steps.  Great mantras.  But, Just Do It tops them all.

Um... its November already...

Did you realize it? I mean, I probably should have realized it because the month started on a Monday for cheez and craskers sake.

Can I just say I look darling today? I don't normally look darling, but today I do. Blue and black are such a nice combo together. Now to get this hair of mine done and out of the way. I think I'm going to go short short short.

Is short hair good for rolly pollies like me? Prolly not, but I don't care!!

i think its time to

Dinner

Last night I made Chicken Parm, my own recipe! We had it with a side salad and then homemade apple cobbler for dessert made by girl. Recipe to follow...




Chicken Parm:
5 to 6 chicken breasts pounded flat
1 cup breadcrumbs
1 cup flour
1 egg
1/4 cup milk
1 cup Parmesan cheese, divided
1 to 2 cups mozzarella cheese
1 tbsp italian herbs, dried
pinch of sea salt
olive oil
Jarred Tomato sauce
Pasta

Preheat oven to 450.
Start pasta according to directions on the box, minus 1 minute cook time. Once the pasta is done, drain and put into a deep casserole dish. Pour tomato sauce overtop and set aside.
Mix in bowl egg and milk. Set aside.
In a flat dish or plate, add 1 cup flour. Set aside.
In another flat dish or plate, mix together 1 cup breadcrumbs, italian herbs, 1/4 cup parm cheese, pinch of salt. Mix with a fork. Set aside.
In a deep frying or saute pan, heat up 1/2 cup to 1 cup olive oil, medium to medium high - not too hot or the chicken will burn.
Drag chicken through the flour, then egg wash, then breadcrumb mixture - both sides.
Place chicken in heated oil about two minutes each side. Place chicken ontop of sauced casserole dish, repeat.
Sprinkle parm cheese over all the fried breasts and then follow with mozerella cheese. Put in over for 15 - 20 minutes (if you don't want your cheese brown, cover with foil.)

Apple Cobbler
(Modified recipe from Sur La Table)
Filling
7 Granny Smith apples, peeled/cored/chopped into 1 inch pieces
Lemon Juice
¾ cup (6 oz) firmly packed light-brown sugar
1 tbsp unbleached all-purpose flour
1 tsp ground cinnamon

Topping
½ cup unbleached all-purpose flour
½ cup old-fashioned oats (do not use instant)
½ cup firmly packed light-brown sugar
½ tsp ground cinnamon
¼ cup olive oil

Cut up apples and throw them in a bowl, sprinkle with lemon juice for every apple - stirring to coat.
Add the sugar, flour, and cinnamon, mix well.
In a seperate bowl, mix flour, oats, brown sugar, and cinnamon together.
Drizzle in the olive oil.
With a fork or a pastry blender or a food processor, mix together.

In a pie pan/dish, pour in the apple filling.
Top with the topping and spread to coat.
Cover with foil and put in heated oven for 40 minutes.
Remove foil and put back in for 5 minutes to toast the topping.

Voila.
Delish!!

Perspective: Shelter

There are many songs out there about shelter, and there are many people out there struggling to keep shelter and to find shelter. This is a great indie documentary titled, Shelter.

SHELTER from jason sussberg on Vimeo.

16mm color film. 6:43 min.



Lloyd Kahn claims that shelter is more than a roof over your head. As the author and publisher of over a dozen books on home construction, Lloyd has been grappling with the concept of home, physically and psychically, for over five decades. Situated in the financial and housing crisis, this film profiles Lloyd's ideas on do-it-yourself construction and sustainability.

Dinner Tonight

Bourbon Glazed Pork Loin

Roasted Potatoes, Asparagus, and Garlic Cloves

Cherry Cobbler

Sounds delish right?

I'm a cheater.

This year, well what's left of it anyway - I'm trying to say good-bye to eating out and hello to making dinner from scratch. My dinners are evolving though. Tonight, the Bourbon glazed pork loin is pre-packaged! I know I know! What am I thinking all those ingredients... bad girl.

Well, whatever. Next pork loin I'm doing this recipe!

http://www.afarmgirlsdabbles.com/2010/08/02/grilled-pork-tenderloin-with-peach-glaze-and-orange-habanero-mojo/

Um DELISH right?

So that is totally on our menu for October! Plus I've got some habanero that is almost ready to be picked.

Yea! I do love the sound of roasted asparagus and potatoes with garlic, depending how it tastes tonight - rather. I wish I had some fresh rosemary - but it just hasn't grown as much/well as we had hoped!

I'm also making a pumpkin bread tonight I think. I tried to make a vegan bread for a friend of mine, but I just can't figure out the flax to egg ratio - although I did try it with agave syrup from Ohgave! and it was BLAH the worst ever!!!!! Maybe I will make the pumpkin bread without eggs and just use flax!

Ok... well I'm out of dish wash tabs...

SAIPUA

Know how you browse... ya know kinda just browse and not look for anything in particular - just want to see what your favorite blogs are up to?

Today I found SAIPUA

Via Sunday Suppers old blog.
Can you say gorgeous....

Losing myself

I didn't think I would be giving up so much by letting others into my life. I'm feeling Life Burnout.
I don't have friends, I have takers.

I say its time for a new chapter. It's time to turn the pages. Or to grab a new book completely.

Journey. Walk. Whisper. Stop. Listen. Move.

Empowering words from my soule. Let's see if I will listen.

been gone a long time

its a cool night here tonight.
the storm has hovered in our general direction all night and I don't want the weekend to end.
my favorite part about the weekend is that it seems never ending, and yet it always does.

my ac is off.
i am happy for that, for the time being
my tea has gone cold, and i am having an old lady moment wishing i had a cup warmer nuzzling my tea like a fleece blanket.

i am wishing to be sitting on a blanket watching the moon over the ocean.
my favorite adolescent pasttime.

i am feeling 32.
i am dreading 33.
i am wondering about 35 and if those goals i have been trying to accomplish for the past 10 years will ever come to fruition.

i find myself reading more and liking and missing it all at the same time.
i find myself talking to myself, in my head, like a book is read and it is annoying.
and yet i want to write, but have nothing to say.

i want to hole up in a french apartment with bougainvillea's climbing my terrace and sipping tea with an old antique type writer snapping away.
i want a day job that requires me to wear an apron and know very little french.
i want to be Collete.

i am so silly and stupid headed sometimes but i am ready for my next book, my next escape.
i can't be a gypsy in the real world anymore, for a while at least - but I can be in my books.

tada.

New Year Post continued

I love Ali Edwards. Probably more than I should, I envy her life quite a bit because to me it seems like she has it all. You know? Like a comfortable house, wonderful husband, a great career. She is a fantastic mother, daughter, friend, and sister. She is successful and down to earth. She is also very humble.

So, I am in love with those qualities and wish for my life to be the same. On her blog, she wanted to know what our word for 2009 would be that would be the word to live by or represent us. One Little Word

For 2009, I chose Honesty.
Dictionary.com; (noun)

1.	the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.

2.	truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.

3.	freedom from deceit or fraud.

and honest; (adj)

1. Marked by or displaying integrity; upright: an honest lawyer.
2. Not deceptive or fraudulent; genuine: honest weight.
3. Equitable; fair: honest wages for an honest day's work.
4. 1. Characterized by truth; not false: honest reporting.
   2. Sincere; frank: an honest critique.
   3. Of good repute; respectable.
   4. Without affectation; plain: honest folk.
5. 1. Of good repute; respectable.
   2. Without affectation; plain: honest folk.
6. Virtuous; chaste.

But what does this mean for me? Why honesty? Why do I need to be honest? Am I a liar? Not intentionally, but I think I have lied to myself and thus lie to those around me.

I'm spending a lot of money to do a degree in order to get money. Is it something I am happy about, no. Is it a sacrifice, yes. Will I reap rewards from it, yes. But only that in money, not in pleasure.

This year I am going to live honestly. I am going to make sure that I am honest to myself first and foremost and if I find it hard then I have to examine why.

I have used this blog for years to journal my thoughts whether I have someone who pays attention or not, I journal it. Though I secretly wish I had followers.

I'm an avid idea lifter but have never given credit to those deserving. I also want to be an avid scrapper and have invested time and money into doing it, but have never really accomplished anything from it. I call myself a cellist, but haven't been able to play in years - mostly because of procrastination. I am way way way overweight and seem to have settled in, but still hating the way I look day after day without real gumption to actually do anything about it. There are many things I wish to be but can't force myself to get there. Even now, I shouldn't be forcing anything, but if I have to force it then I must not really want it.

I am not at a place where I am at peace. I want peace, and so the only thing I can do is to live honestly.

New Year Post #1

Welcome to 2009. Ahhhh. So nice to see you new year!

I blog lifted this from here

A. Attached or single? Attached.

B. Best friend? The hubster, mos-def.

C. Cake or pie? Cake – moist and scrumptious.

D. Day of choice? Sunday morning, just because it feels like the end of the week is wrapping up nicely, I can lay in and listen to my fav radio program, Sunday morning coming down. And of course my family and I get together and have a meal.

E. Essential item? Camera. Even though 2008 I didn’t take it with me enough, I’m changing that this year.

F. Favorite color? Blue – most shades. Don’t know why but it is calming and sexy at the same time.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Worms.

H. Hometown? I live in Titusville, but I’ve grown up everywhere. I was born in Enid, Oklahoma, but will one day call London my home.

I. Favorite indulgence? Dark Chocolate, mmmmmm.

J. January or July? January, it is the beginning of a new year!!

K. Kids? Just one. Sometimes we think maybe more, then sometimes we think not. If it happens it happens, if not I’ve got the greatest 10 year old ever.

L. Life isn't complete without? Music. It is always on in my house and we all play something from cello to guitar to ipod shuffle.

M. Marriage date? April 24

N. Number of brothers and sisters? 1 brother, 3 step-brothers. But we’re not close, none of us.

O. Oranges or apples? Apples, oranges are gross and they are everywhere here. I have two trees in my backyard.

P. Phobias? Lots of people scare me. It is hard for me to do Christmas shopping or be in a big city, and yet I want to live in London. I can’t be where it is too crowded and chaotic, like shoulder to shoulder chaos. Well, except for the dance-floor.

Q. Quotes? Life is full of things to be passionate about. From a card sent to me from my BFF after throwing her a kick-ass bachelorette party. I can’t really get into quotes. I am sure they are powerful and stuff and can help if you need something to help guide you on your way, but to be honest I live to the beat of my own drum and do what I want when I want. Not that I step over people, I kindly say excuse me before passing them by, but I don’t need a quote to do that. Now people interest me.

R. Reasons to smile? I’m funny as all get out, seriously.

S. Season of choice? Fall! Because it gets cooler in Florida.

T. Tag 5 people. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.

U. Unknown fact about me? I’m not sure that there is one. Oh wait, if I am in the room with people and there is someone there who is just as funny or funnier than I am, I quiet up. No one likes a one-betterer.

V. Vegetable? Summer squash is delish grilled.

W. Worst habit? Nagging and worrying. The one happens because of the other ya know. I start to worry and so I nag, or I nag and then begin to worry that I am nagging.

X. X-ray or ultrasound? Um, because?

Y. Your favorite foods? Indian curries are scrumptious, spaghetti is always as favorite, barbequed foods, foods grilled, tilapia, sushi.

Z. Zodiac sign? Sagitarius/Capricorn. Apparently I’m on the cusp of both. So I guess it just depends on the day.

#219

I am sick as a dog, where the hell that phrase ever came from ??? I hate being sick, but I'm having a pretty good day so far, listening to by far the best alt. country program EVER.  Sunday Morning Coming Down  I like Real Radio Music Weekends anyway, and I really wish that 104.1 would stop playing the monsters on Saturday - they are disgusting enough and talk about absolute shit, they could fill those 5 hours with classics or interviews or live sessions... come on... this is the only program that makes me want to buy a radio just so I can listen to it.  Infact, I'm going to buy one with a tapedeck and start recording SMCD so I can listen to it all the time!!

Anyways, I'm in the Martha mood.  I'm lookin round my house thinking we did pretty good at keeping it tidy this week!  My "office" looks like a paper bomb hit it.

I'm working on a new art project.  Hope it comes out ok.  That's all I got.

#218

"I am now a grown up."

Tonight I was making the familia spaghetti bolegneseseses and looked in my drawer of cooking utensils and saw so many appropriate things. Now that I am officially a homeowner, I am endlessly trying to find things to connect to that make me an adult. Ya know, the kind of adult that acts like an adult and looks like an adult. Did I mention that I still look and act 19? Well, I probably look my age - 31, but I act like I'm 19. Which means that I would have been 9, if I were really 19, when I had my daughter. But ew.

the following items were contained in my drawer; wooden spoons, wooden spatula things, metal spatula, metal pasta thing, metal rounded thing with little holes in it that I use for making my world famous onion rings, ladle, slotted spoon, and various other cooking utensils. I don't know why this makes me feel like an adult, but it was a warm fuzzy feeling.

My bedroom is still a mess as well as my desk as well as my head. But I digress. I'm sure by the time I am 40 I will have mastered the folding and putting away and picking up of things and not stashing them in ubiquitious piles everywhere.

or not.

#217

A new day. It all started last week when America changed courses and truly became a new nation. I became joyful and angry over the week following and now on this Monday it is just another day. No more election stuff, people have moved on from their joys and sorrows about the election, and I am once again plotting a new course in my life.

I always thought that my life was very serious and full of drama. But the truth is, I've always led a very small and simple life because I knew exactly what I wanted. I still do, but it hasn't been easy to get. I keep getting distracted. like now... more later