Turkey Bacon and Sangria on the Rocks

I'm making dinner and DAMN does turkey bacon taste SO GOOD. I don't care WHO you are!

I have been searching, literally, for years for the same bottle of wine I once had at a Pizzeria in SoHo London. Yes, I actually had an entire bottle. See there was two bottle split between my then boyfriends Friend Rachel and I, and we pretty much finished off both.

So whenever I go somewhere I am always in search of this fantastic bottle of wine. Well, fantastic for me because I don't drink wine. I hate it. I can't stand the taste of it. This wine, however, was like drinking the freshest water from the oldest mountain and the clearest stream.

Anyways, when I can't find it, because I don't actually remember what it is called...
I end up buying cheap Sangria. It is an easy choice. It is cheap, sweet, fruity, and cheap. This brand drinks like a juice even. Mmmmmm.... yummers.

So I've been contemplating my past couple of posts. And I have to say that I have this internal argument ALL THE TIME. I have an answer for all my problems that begin with, IF I COULD { fill in the blank } THEN I COULD ONLY { fill in the blank }.

This, as you might have guessed, doesn't get me anywhere. Well it does, it gets me lower than where I was at before. Because I then realize that I can't get to that place that will let me become or do what it is I really want. Truthfully, that place doesn't exist, but yet it does.

My co-worker tells me I can't find happiness, I have to make it for myself. Bah-humbug I always say. I don't believe that crap, because it doesn't make any sense!

Just like using big words to fill a space doesn't make sense. Singular Unrelenting Focus. WTF does that mean anyways?

I don't intentionally try to become someone that I am not, I try the exact opposite. And it gets me into more and more trouble. I try too hard. That's a fact. I want to much for myself that I don't think that I can have or deserve, whatever the verdict is. I could read the cards for myself all day long and see the complete opposite of what they are trying to show me. And I can continue to give up and play it safe because I am afraid of failure.

I have a good reason to believe that. But I don't have good reason to turn that kind of thinking around and give myself more credit. I can see how hard it is to not take compliments well. My husband gives them too me all the time, and I just don't agree. I honestly think I could BE a better MOM, a better WIFE, a THINNER woman, etc,. But, the truth is ---} I am already those things. Hmmm, one might say in group therapy that the first step is admitting you have a problem... bs bs bs

I can admit until the cows come home and pigs fly and I drop 50 lbs in a week. But, ACTION. It all takes a bit of ACTION.

My husband is baby steps. I am full fledge give it to me NOW! It makes for an interesting mixture. But, I allow his opinions to guide my life instead of allowing him to see the beauty of my WILD AMBITION.

Wow this is heavy. Is it the Sangria? I hope not, I want this to be real.

So what is the next step? Internal Therapy is good. Now I have to challenge myself to breakout and do what I choose to do without regret or second guessing... oooooo

So Scary!

Cool.

Ciao