Jose Gonzalez has a fro

and I'm at war within myself.

i don't belong in this suburbia.
i belong in a rustic urbanite area where i have to walk to get my food
where my daughter goes to school with minorities and not where everyone is white or fake
i belong to not be involved in my family to be a loner
i belong to the girl inside me outside my fat suit and my fake clothes where my addictions should be on fashion fun art and music not food and poor self worth
i belong to myself.

just like with anyone else who has ever had an addiction i spend too much time thinking how much better i will be when i am blah blah blah. how i just know it. and so i invest all my time and energy on these things and fail. and i don't care that i failed, yet. i just assume it was false advertising of the product. when in reality i should just be doing what i love and not fighting inwardly. in ward lee

i dont.
i dont want more kids.
i want people around me to have more kids and for me to be auntie. auntie justiss is what naheem calls me, little adorable naheem.

when can we go back to england mommie.
when mommie can break away from work we can.
never.

mommie.
your the best mommie ever.
i'm living a lie.

mommie.
i love you.
i love you too, i wish i could love myself enough.

too much hate in this fucking world.
too many cities trying to pose themselves as the best city in the world - here we'll show you, look at all the new development of gingerbread houses all customizable to our specifications for your fake family with your fake cosmeticdentistry smiles. oh what is that, you want to upgrade to the ginormous suv because you need to spend money on everything - ah it is your right youre right. leave me out of it.

i want to be sitting on a rooftop in a lawn chair.
hangin at the beach cuz i can.
eating a can of beans outside my tent.
hangin with my kid on the tube in london.
having smashing sex with my lover.
not thinking about my failures.

though i suppose.
i will probably think about how everyone must think i am a failure because i am not responsible in this obvious imaginary life.
black is my new color.
wearing ties again and black eyeliner
black fingernail polish with my silver rings

the incredible shrinking me
this is a whack post.
what the fizznuck is my problem
jesus.

shut the hell up will you
not until you let me out.

ok ok ok
im working on it.