I've come to the realization

I'm a big fat liar!

How come I always want the opposite of what I don't want... I keep saying, oh, no more kids for us, oh we're big enough. But yet, in my heart all I want to do is snuggle with my babies... ya know the ones I don't have.

I love my hannerbananner to bits and pieces. If we started having kids now, they would be SO FAR APART. She's 9. We thought about adopting, then we said we liked having our freedom. Hana's dad isn't my husband, he's the ex. So you know, we share her. It is sickening really. I wish I could have her all the time and then sometimes I pray for the break.

But WTF.

I mean, who is this person inside me that keeps clutching her uterus saying, I want more! Am I really ready to give up the freedom of having a 9 year old that I share, and go straight for the juggler? Are we ready to do that? My daughter will leave my house when I am 40! I will still be young!! Do I want another set to deal with? Big families are expensive and time consuming! Can I do it? Do I want to? Cuz once they are out, that is it!

All I can think is that it will tear our family system to shreds and I will love every crazy chaotic moment of it! We will definitely need a bigger house...