Life: Out of Focus

Had a great time in St. Louis and then camping again in St. Petersburg.

Now I am back.

Everytime I leave my home for a long period of time I come back deep in thought and I go through the motions; am I happy, is this what I want to do with my life, am I fulfilled??

What I realized HARD and FAST that though I love to travel, I miss my daughter terribly when I do. I feel like she should be enjoying this as much as I do. I think that is why we are going to be camping so much this summer, we can travel inexpensively. I also think about the message I am sending to her when I am gone, and honestly other than the great pay and the benefits - my job means nothing to me.

I was flattered when my manager said she could see that I was management material, but honestly the only thing I could see managing would be a store that sold really cool art stuff :) That won't pay the bills, that is for sure :)

What now?

When do I get to live my dreams? Oh yea, that came up too. Someone asked me about my dream last week, I couldn't tell them because I didn't know. But when I got home I realized what I wanted to do. I wanted to stay at home and be with Hana all the time, not to play but to learn and explore and create. I only have one child, I wish I had more, but I can't expect to bring another child into this world when my world for the past 8 years has been incredibly crazy it just wouldn't be fair. But I realize so many things now that I want and I just don't know how to balance them. I am afraid I may only be able to focus on one thing at a time.

Having been depressed for so long has hindered my ability to truly seek out what I want. I take two steps toward it and can't finish the journey, I don't go back I just set up shop and settle. What I have done in the past, and the recent past even, is do something to sabotage myself in finding my way or getting to my dream instead of just heading out to my dream! No more!

No more.

:)