Weight a minute

I am sitting at my computer doing some research for a friend of mine so my husband can draw a mural for her. She's always been intrigued with mermaids and so that was the basis of my research. As I was searching through the abundant links, I found many many pictures of women of all shapes, colors, and ages. Not just posing as mermaids in costume; some were posing nude for artistic conceptual pieces. I thought all of these women were brave, I would never be able to stand naked infront of someone to take my picture for countless eyes to look at. I would be devistated.

But...

Why would I be devistated. I have always thought that the female body is the most exquisite and beautiful of the genders. We are curvatious and sensual. Why should I not appreciate my body. I guess because I have an issue with my weight. I have had an issue with my weight since I hit puberty and things started happening to my body that I couldn't control. I was granted the gift of large boobs at an early age, a big butt, and curves which I considered to be less flattering than my previous state legged days. All the while my mother was telling me not to worry, when I get older men will really appreciate them more than those stick models.

But why would they? Why would a man enjoy my body when he could have the same thing, only thinner. So then as my weight started to flux and shift throughout the years, so did my hormones and emotions. I found comfort in food until I found cigarettes in the military and booze. Then I didn't really care about my figure, only because I was exercising, smoking, partying and getting up too late to get to the mess hall to eat.

So as my weight started to again shift years later, I didn't really pay attention to it other than keep saying I was fat. I just said it and kept eating anyway. My weight is scary to me. I'm not rolling with loads of fat, but I almost was. I am being quite open here. I'm actually glad not too many people can read this. But the main question is why is my weight such a main factor in so many womens lives? We are beautiful and should care for our bodies because they need it not because we need to look like Lucy Lu or Uma Thurman or Nicole Kidman. I don't want to look like them. I want to look like me 100lbs lighter. I want to see myself and like myself. Is that so bad.

I don't like looking in the mirror. I hate it. I have this incorrect perception of my image and once I see myself in the mirror or in photos, I feel horrible and my mood shifts from high to low. I'm trying to deal with myself, but my mind is powerful and tricky. My highschool reunion is in 1 year. I don't really want to face those people looking the way I do, but I don't want to compromise myself so that I "fit". I am working on a long journey of self-discovery, but I don't want to sell out. I just want to be healthy and happy.

I write this now, almost on the verge of tears. This is quite personal.

I met a woman last week who told me the two chakras I carry most my weight in are linked to my emotions and spirituality. It's time to let go and regain my self and my demons and create a co-existence of self and being. Oh Jesus, I dunno if I'm ready for that ride man, but it's like the Hulk ride at Universal, it's too late when you're locked in. You get so scared you think your going to die and you shut your eyes tight, then the ride starts and you open one eye cuz your curious, and then all of a sudden BAM you get shot right out of the top and that scream you so desperately try to get out is pushed back in until the next drop, but soon it gets incredibly intense and exhilerating and finally it ends, and you feel like you've accomplished it and you can ride just about anything, maybe the Hulk just one more time.